Help!

[Null]

I have new girlfriend and things are going a bit rough.

She has severe self-esteem problems and every time I see her she always brings up the issue about her weight. She has convinced herself that she is fat (she’s by no means skinny, but she’s nowhere near fat either).

Yesterday, I got frustrated with her consistent self-degradation and told her (in a nice way, of course) that she was a little overweight and that it didn’t bother me. Needless to say, she got upset and has now slipped back into a bulimic diet.

This saddens me for two reasons: First, it’s a very unhealthy way of losing weight, and secondly, I know she’s doing it because of me.

I’ve tried talking to her about healthy alternatives and told her what worked for me but she won’t listen. She just insists that this is the only way she knows.

I love her very, very much and don’t want her to do this but she won’t listen to anything I say now. She thinks I don’t know what it’s like to be heavy, but I’ve been there. I struggled with my weight for most of my life until finally getting it under control recently.

What she doesn’t understand is that it affects us both. When she constantly puts herself down I have to be there to tell her what she wants to hear whether it’s true or not. It hurts because I hate lying to her and get severely depressed when I think about it.

I feel like our relationship will always be this way and I catch myself with feelings of resentment towards her. You probably think I’m a horrible person for thinking it, but I wish that there was some way to leave the relationship on good terms and without sadness.

I’m very confused right now and any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Elix]

You're right... it will always be this way till she gets help on her own, and there is nothing that you can do.
My mother was anorexic for most of my teen life.
When I was 12, she came into my room and said, "I can almost fit into your pants"

My mother was never a thin women either, she was shapely
But my aunt, whoes a little 5ft 95lb blond, would tease her all the time, as would her own mother.
This lead to serious issues after my brother was born, and learning that at 32, the weight doesn't leave as easily as it did when she was 20.

Anyway, it took YEARS, for her to finally realize that she needed help. My father had her in and out of therapy and she would never do anything to help herself.

I'm a little jaded now and when I see people doing things like this I get pissed and usually end up telling them to grow up and stop looking for attention.

And I hate to say it, but that's part of what it is... attention. It does not matter whether it's positive or negative, someone in paying attention to her.

So what do you do?? Sit by and watch her destry herself?
Try to get her help, or convince her that she needs serious help?
Dump her and let her destroy herself anyway?
It's a hard choice and I'm sorry you have to go through it, but I wish you luck!

hmmm... if she is truely worried about her physical self... you know bulimia can cause loss of hair, fine hair growth all over the body including that face, and yellowed teeth.

Maybe you could use that as an angle.

[Null]

She won't listen to what I tell her and she has made it very clear that she will not seek professional help.

Deep down, I know it's not my fault, but I still feel guilty.

[AlloriaDark]

:(First off, Null don't blame yourself. She came into the relationship with this baggage. She won't be able to have a mature relationship with anyone until she gets her head on straight. Whatever you do, whether you stay with her, or leave her on good terms; don't tell her to grow up and quit seeking attention. There is a high rate of suicide attempts among women with these types of disorders, and the "tough love" philosophy isn't always appropriate in cases having to do with severe self-esteem deficiencies. So if you need to leave do so gently, and tell her even though you can't be in a romantic relationship with her you will still be her friend and there to offer support when she does finally decide to seek professional help.
-AD

[Mairi]

All you can do is reassure her that you love her for her . Bulimia is a way that she can strike out at herself, at the person she hates. She has to find the will power inside herself to take charge over the things she see's as imperfect and change them in a healthy way. If she doesn't hear you, you can't make her listen.
And any guilt you feel is of your own making. No one can make you feel guilty but you.

[Null]

I called her tonight and broke up with her. I feel like shit, but I'm glad it's over. Thank you Mairi, Elix, and Alloria for your kind words.