Post by MinaXavier on May 14, 2004 22:54:03 GMT -5
Buckle up, this is gonna hurt. Yes it's funny but I am pulling NO punches in this review... I lost 9 bucks on this flick last weekend.
First, let me say what I *liked* about this movie. Hugh Jackman. Nuff said.
I'm glad I saw this in the theatre, because the only redeeming quality to the whole experience was the fact that I got to see it and hear it on a huge screen with surround sound and only a FEW cell phones going off. Campy, tongue-in-cheek, sexy, special effects were awesome, but alas... there were too many stoopid parts to count.
Van Helsing has an American accent. That's absurd. Love the hair, get rid of the hat. It's too Indiana Jones. I thought Mr. Hyde should've stuck around longer, they could have had waaaay more fun with him in the storyline. And the friar -- yes, he's only a friar, let him remind you --- was like a cross between Q from James Bond and Sir Gallahad from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Come to think of it, the whole Transylvanian village was starkly reminiscent of the cast from The Life of Brian.
And speaking of attacking the village, the three screaming brides... one gets nailed in her debut scene (tsk) but the remaining two are a fashion battle between 70's era Cher and I Dream of Genie, though Barbara Eden could have knocked the snot of out either of them. Since when does Dracula's other half (or, um, third) go flitting around wearing pink chiffon? The wings were cool, but the voicing... I always hated vamp movies that succumbed to the cheap tactic of giving all female vampires this whiny, hissy, catty way of speaking, screaming or just standing still exuding air and noise. Eeesh. Kinda reminded me of Blix from Legend. Not pretty. Now let's talk about the posturing... is it me, or did the Thirst Wives Club here have all the slo-mo drama choreography of a bad 80's Pat Benatar video?
Enter the gypsy princess, in all of her mascara glory. Not to be biased, but i do not like Kate Beckinsale. Unlike in her last vampire flop, Underworld, she gets to wear something other than latex in this film.... alas, she's still stuck in the same ridiculous footwear (I didn't know they had suede Prada stilhettos back then). She has a gorgeous face and brilliant bustline, but it might as well have been Katie Holmes in that glam-oversized crucifix and flaky Romanian accent. Listening to her give orders to her village underlings ("Kill them!") was about as engaging as listening to Heather Graham utter in a bad english cockney in "From Hell".
I did like the Frankenstein monster. Actor Shuler Hensley, known for incredible stage presence in Les Mis, was one of the few high points of acting in this thing. The oops-my-head-keeps-falling-apart schtick was great. I especially liked his answer to Beckinsale's question of 'what do you want': "To exist". [Wipes a tear.]
How many Shakespearean actors get to play Dracula? Too many, I suppose. Richard Roxburgh, to his credit, did a fair job. But if you've never seen him anywhere else this is is not his finest. (See him as Mr M in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and the Duke in Moulin Rouge.) His stage credits are pretty impressive too. I liked that he didn't get all stoic and hypnotic like Bela; only Bela could do it, and all attampts since him have failed miserably. Roxburgh's Drac was animated, talkative, isolated, annoyed, seductive and intense. But he was candidly silly when the director asked him to be. Nice touch.
I'm not even going to comment on the werewolf-cure thing or the werewolves killing vampire thing, as it was never around mythologically until White Wolf came along... but I digress. Bare-midriff models posing as actresses sporting press-on nails and sipping V8 juice from Pier 1 wineglassses was a bit chintzy. Egg sacks with baby vampires reminded me of Aliens, and that was fun. Overall I give it a C-, and it's not a D only because I liked the costuming and the locations.
Next on the skewer: Hellboy. Hell yeah.
First, let me say what I *liked* about this movie. Hugh Jackman. Nuff said.
I'm glad I saw this in the theatre, because the only redeeming quality to the whole experience was the fact that I got to see it and hear it on a huge screen with surround sound and only a FEW cell phones going off. Campy, tongue-in-cheek, sexy, special effects were awesome, but alas... there were too many stoopid parts to count.
Van Helsing has an American accent. That's absurd. Love the hair, get rid of the hat. It's too Indiana Jones. I thought Mr. Hyde should've stuck around longer, they could have had waaaay more fun with him in the storyline. And the friar -- yes, he's only a friar, let him remind you --- was like a cross between Q from James Bond and Sir Gallahad from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Come to think of it, the whole Transylvanian village was starkly reminiscent of the cast from The Life of Brian.
And speaking of attacking the village, the three screaming brides... one gets nailed in her debut scene (tsk) but the remaining two are a fashion battle between 70's era Cher and I Dream of Genie, though Barbara Eden could have knocked the snot of out either of them. Since when does Dracula's other half (or, um, third) go flitting around wearing pink chiffon? The wings were cool, but the voicing... I always hated vamp movies that succumbed to the cheap tactic of giving all female vampires this whiny, hissy, catty way of speaking, screaming or just standing still exuding air and noise. Eeesh. Kinda reminded me of Blix from Legend. Not pretty. Now let's talk about the posturing... is it me, or did the Thirst Wives Club here have all the slo-mo drama choreography of a bad 80's Pat Benatar video?
Enter the gypsy princess, in all of her mascara glory. Not to be biased, but i do not like Kate Beckinsale. Unlike in her last vampire flop, Underworld, she gets to wear something other than latex in this film.... alas, she's still stuck in the same ridiculous footwear (I didn't know they had suede Prada stilhettos back then). She has a gorgeous face and brilliant bustline, but it might as well have been Katie Holmes in that glam-oversized crucifix and flaky Romanian accent. Listening to her give orders to her village underlings ("Kill them!") was about as engaging as listening to Heather Graham utter in a bad english cockney in "From Hell".
I did like the Frankenstein monster. Actor Shuler Hensley, known for incredible stage presence in Les Mis, was one of the few high points of acting in this thing. The oops-my-head-keeps-falling-apart schtick was great. I especially liked his answer to Beckinsale's question of 'what do you want': "To exist". [Wipes a tear.]
How many Shakespearean actors get to play Dracula? Too many, I suppose. Richard Roxburgh, to his credit, did a fair job. But if you've never seen him anywhere else this is is not his finest. (See him as Mr M in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and the Duke in Moulin Rouge.) His stage credits are pretty impressive too. I liked that he didn't get all stoic and hypnotic like Bela; only Bela could do it, and all attampts since him have failed miserably. Roxburgh's Drac was animated, talkative, isolated, annoyed, seductive and intense. But he was candidly silly when the director asked him to be. Nice touch.
I'm not even going to comment on the werewolf-cure thing or the werewolves killing vampire thing, as it was never around mythologically until White Wolf came along... but I digress. Bare-midriff models posing as actresses sporting press-on nails and sipping V8 juice from Pier 1 wineglassses was a bit chintzy. Egg sacks with baby vampires reminded me of Aliens, and that was fun. Overall I give it a C-, and it's not a D only because I liked the costuming and the locations.
Next on the skewer: Hellboy. Hell yeah.